To Share or Not to share?!

I see many parents who worry about whether their child is learning to share.

I meet grandparents who are trying to help their grandchild share more.  So much worry and pressure is placed on the word ‘share’.  It is not unusual to see a child have an immediate flinch, clutch behaviour or defense reaction to simply hearing the words “Come on Jack – share your toys.  Suzy wants to play”.   From the moment children’s hands are starting to grasp, hold and reach out at 6 months, children are hearing the happiness, disappointment, embarrassment, approval and disapproval of adults. 

They are learning the emotional landscape of ‘sharing’ before they even understand the concept.

          SCROLL DOWN for 3 ways to help your child share

So why do adults emphasise the concept of ‘sharing’ so much?  Why is there such an obsession on sharing being something our 2 and 5 and 10 year olds have to do?!

I’m sure there is a fluffy answer that says it is because adults are trying to make sure their children responsibly learn how to use things and space cooperatively, to give as well as take. 

I believe however that the focus on sharing arises in our society because

* Adults don’t want other people to think badly of them, their parenting.

* Parents and relatives don’t want to be embarrassed or have their child judged as selfish. 

* People want giving and taking between their children to be harmonious and easy and want a shortcut to easy play.

In short – Sharing is loss!

Have you ever thought about what sharing looks like to a person watching.  It will look like one of 3 things

      > Giving something completely to another person
> Giving part of something away to another person (losing a bit of that thing) and
> Holding on to something while another person touches, tests, tastes or does something to it.

The word ‘share’ may mean “to join with another or others in the use of something” however by the time a child turns two they have come to understand it as ‘you have no choice, you must now give something of yours away’.  You can fight or accept, but you will lose something you have right now.

ASK YOURSELF

Before you look to educating your child about sharing, take a look at your everyday.

How much is sharing an actual part of your day?  How often do you share? And what does it look like to a child? What sort of sharing do you want your child to do more of? What are the things you think should be shared? What are the things you think are ok to not share?  And is giving someone what you don’t want anymore, sharing?

Adults don’t share! Do they?!

Adults in our society do not share very much.  We own things and we may let other people borrow them from time to time, but there are many things that a child would have never seen shared.  Many families have a car which they use but their child would have never seen another adult or another non-family member use that car.  When we go to a café or restaurant, people may share food at one table however people do not share food between tables or strangers.  A little while ago, when I offered a family a portion of a dish they had expressed interest in and I had ordered, the offer was met with caution and concern by the family and disbelief by the staff.  Afterwards, when I sent a portion over to them anyway, there was much gratitude and warmth in the opportunity to try something different as well as surprise at my offer being genuine not a joke. 

Many people find that the sharing experience can be a joyful and positive one, especially when exchanging things and space and time with other people.  This concept is usually strengthened as we enter our social development stages, often as teenagers and young adults when we look to expanding our social networks and finding potential friendships and mates.  It is also usually at a time when we are less focused on accumulation and ownership because we are building networks and connections. However, as soon as we start collecting and owning our own things, the act of sharing becomes highly selective (only some things) and fades from the collective space (only some people).   Sharing further dissolves once people establish a value for the things they have and whether or not there is a balance, equality or perceived fairness.  In fact, except for the idea of measuring what is given and taken, as adults we tend to become no different to our 2, 3 and 4 year old selves with a bonus level of justification, that we are right to control what is ours, or that we will look better in the eyes of others if we share or give our things away.

It’s too early!

From parents to child care workers, people are introducing the concept of sharing to children at a time when they are developmentally not ready and don’t really have the choice.

A 1 or 2 year old is only just establishing an idea of what they can touch, what they can do and what is theirs and what isn’t.  This is a time of patterns, learning the patterns presented to us while learning what power emotions hold and whether there is or isn’t room for negotiation.

At 4 or 5 a child can usually interpret their environment faster and due to improved language and communication skills, can also impact what is happening around them. They will have come to understand what they can and cant do and be better and faster at knowing how to get what they want either through showing patience (to wait) or showing aggression (to insist).  They will have learnt this based on their family interactions, their shared environment and possibly another main care setting.

** THREE THINGS TO HELP YOUR CHILD LEARN TO SHARE

1. Use the word ‘sharing’ when you, your partner, another friend or family member is actually sharing.  When you join with other people in the use of something say you are sharing.  Eg. When you are giving something of yours to another person to eat, drive, use etc you can say “I am sharing my ipad with Sophie”.  “I am sharing my dinner with dad” 

2. In situations between children - be clear. 

Do they have a choice? Or will you insist?

a) State the fact “You have two cars” or “Suzy wants to play too”

b) Ask/tell “Which one can Suzy play with?” or “Choose your favourite”

c) The child does not have a choice.  Let them know that if they don’t choose one, you will choose.  Act quickly and do not respond to the reaction.

or

The child has a choice.  Focus on the other person or just accept the choice.   “Jack doesn’t want to play with you now” or “Jack doesn’t want to share now” and “What have we got to play with?” “Where else can we go?

3. Children are neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’.  Children are learning that sometimes they want to do things together with others and sometimes they don’t.  Let children learn the joys and disappointments of sharing by themselves. 

When you act – be clear, act quickly and do not respond to the reaction.

When they act – simply check who you are focusing on and move to the next activity.

LET US STOP telling our children to share and understand that our children will learn sharing (with the pitfalls and benefits) when they are ready and entering more mutually social and interactive settings.  When you want your child to ‘share’ – understand that it is your want not theirs. 

LET US START ‘pre share’ activities to help your child learn to share.  Let them initiate & trial the experience and explore the emotional landscape for themselves.